Tuesday, May 28, 2013

A Letter from a Guy who was Killed in a Recent Terror Attack

Dear all,

Thank you for the outpouring of sympathy over my death in the recent terror attack. I’m the guy whose remains were never identified, but my car keys were found in the rubble. I wish that I never really died and that I had just decided to drop my car keys in after the bombing – you know, just to stage my disappearance. But no – I’m really dead.

First and most important: I’d like to thank the honorable ministers of Home, Railways, Finance and Refrigeration who personally visited the site. When my sister died in a road accident we got only one phone call – ICICI bank approved her request for a credit limit increase. So, your personal visits really mean so much.

I also want to thank the thousands of security personnel who provided a security cordon that made the whole area really safe. Well, after the attack at least. LOL.

So this other guy who died with me is going on and on, complaining about about how SRK isn’t doing a concert for us. Well, deal with it, buddy – not everyone is fortunate enough to die in a terrorist attack that deserves a relief concert. Besides, considering that I only got RT’ed five times when I was alive, it feels really good to trend on Twitter for a whole day.

I’m so proud to have stayed in my strong and resilient city. The government deserves praise for allowing the people of my city the freedom to experience so many terror attacks in the last few years: it has given us our indomitable spirit. My city will take these attacks in its stride. We’re so much better than those sissy cities where every murder is a big deal.

I want to tell my wife: Honey I told you to learn how to use the home theater remote controls. Now that I’m not around, if you need to switch from TV to DVD, get our neighbor Vivek to teach you. But don’t get too friendly – you know how he is.  Oh, and remember – our codeword is Eggplant. If any psychic uses this word, you’ll know it’s me!

Ok, they’re saying my Internet time is up. I have to log off now.

All that remains to be said is: (get it ? “remains” ? ROFL I always wanted to be a standup! Gosh it sucks to be dead.) Thanks for reading this. Well I’m not really thankful, but my mom taught me to be polite. You know, I think it is very rude to kill people. Considering that I got angry at people just for jumping ahead of me in the grocery checkout line, you can imagine how pissed I am at the people who killed me.

Darn, I had so many things lined up. This was such a bad time to die. I never really celebrated Valentine’s day, but this time I thought I’d surprise my wife.

Okay they’re saying if I don’t log off now, they’re going to turn o...